James Allen HanrahanJames Allen Hanrahan
12
May, 2022

By James Hanrahan

The 3 Walls of Intimacy In Modern Relationships

If the walls are up, maybe it’s time to take them down.
Perhaps, you’re finding it’s becoming harder and harder to get into and maintain a relationship. You might even be saying to yourself “why even bother.”
With ghosting, texting, and swiping to name a few, there seems to be endless walls and obstacles to meeting someone for a relationship and to create intimacy.
Before you start to cash in your chips and give up hope. Let’s consider three walls to intimacy, and how to overcome them for lasting-love.

1. The Wall of Chemistry

One of the biggest challenges with chemistry, is you don’t know you have it until you meet someone in person.
No matter how hard you swipe or text, relationships and chemistry are built primarily in person.
You’re going to need to get within roughly 30 inches of someone to pick up their pheromones.
Then your body will decide if they are a match for you. We all know what a game of duck, duck, goose this is. However, from an evolutionarily perspective it works.
Life is too short to live without chemistry. If you want to overcome this wall, you’re going to have to go out and meet people in person, and let chemistry do its job.

2. The Wall of Compatibility

If you’re fortunate enough to meet someone you have chemistry with, obviously the challenge is not over yet.
Now we have to see if you’re compatible. Compatibility at the simplest level means you like each other.
Chemistry means your bodies like each other, compatibility means you like each other on a fundamental, foundation of friendship as human beings.
Some of the basics will be, but are not exclusive to, you have similar interests and hobbies, you live relatively close by to each other, you have similar levels of time to commit to relationships.
I encourage you not to underestimate the importance of proximity. Can you have long distance relationships?
Of course, if you both agree to it. But, remember even so, relationships are built primarily in person.

3. The Wall of Communication

One of the foundations of communication is the ability to negotiate.
Perhaps the biggest wall we are currently facing is the challenge to find people who are willing to make and keep agreements with the goal to become a team.
Start by striking up a conversation. Two of our most basic and underestimated human needs are to be heard and to be known.
Once the ball gets rolling, the next hurdle will be, being able to ask for what you want, and saying no to what you don’t want.
This is where you find out if you’re with somebody who wants to negotiate and build intimacy with you, or just wants to play with you.
There’s no judgment, it’s just finding out if you’re both looking for the same thing.
With that in mind…
Chemistry is great, it’s a gift. However for the goal of Intimacy, take your time and see if you can build a foundation of friendship.
Compatibility means your lives actually fit together, be careful not to try to fit a square peg into a round hole because of chemistry.
Communication Is what makes relationships breathe. Intimacy is experienced by people who are willing to negotiate for what they want, and for what they don’t want. They are able to make and keep agreements.
Avoid passive-aggressive people they make agreements, they just don’t keep them.
The walls to intimacy are many, but they’re worth climbing. Look for chemistry, compatibility, and communication. Make sure you have all three. Use them as the cornerstones for your future, love, relationship, and intimacy.
Learn more by reading these books, “A Life of Love” and “Dating Advice for Alpha Women” on Amazon or, by visiting my website at jamesallenhanrahan.com
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11
Dec, 2020

By James Hanrahan

3 Things Men Want In A Lasting Relationship

When you first meet a guy, it’s hard to tell what a man wants. The sex aspect becomes apparent almost immediately, but the question becomes how is this going to turn into a lasting relationship?

Most men are not eager to jump into a committed relationship. It’s going to take some finesse. In fact, the only true way to make a man enter into a long-term relationship is to make it his idea.

With that in mind, here are three ways to catch him off guard, and put his mind at ease. Once you lower his defenses the rest will come naturally.

1. Banter

You may believe that a list of relationship questions will help you find the right man. While this may be true, this is not how most men approach relationships.

Banter is what makes a man want to spend more time with you. It catches him thinking about you and wanted to tell you more.

It’s the thread that connects your days together and it allows him to feel comfortable with you. Banter puts a man at ease with you and lets him know he can be himself.

2. Laughter

You may believe that having a serious conversation with a guy will get him to commit. While there’s a time and place for everything, leading with a serious conversation, is often a red flag for men.

Laughter is a sign you have a good feel for each other. It makes the hard days easier and the good days even better. A man wants a woman who laughs easily and forgives when necessary.

When he can count on you to see the humor in things he will become far less defensive. Laughter is what makes him see you as a true companion. Happy women are a relationship magnet to men. It keeps him coming back for more.

3. Connection

Men often talk about this fabled-word called “connection.” Probably because even though they want it, they can’t define it.

Day-to-day life and long-term relationships begin and end with connection. At our core, there are two things we desperately want, to be heard, and to be known.

Connection to a man means you get what he’s about, you understand his purpose and his passions.
A man makes you part of his life almost seamlessly. He connects you to the people and places that are important to him.

The banter gets you in the game. It makes a man feel at ease with you and makes him want more.
Laughter is a seal that’s even stronger than a kiss. It will keep you together through the hard times.

When you hear your man and take an interest in his passions and concerns, he will feel the connection, and he will want to build with you.

Relationships are a team game, and when you speak with his interests and concerns in mind, with laughter and banter along the way, he begins to feel the connection. This is what men want in a lasting relationship with you.

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04
Jun, 2019

By James Hanrahan

3 Questions To Ask Your Boyfriend To Find Out If He’s Marriage Material

Having a boyfriend is great! But sometimes you just don’t know where it’s going? You’ve been together but he hasn’t said anything about the future.

You can be wondering if there are questions you can ask your boyfriend to find out if he is marriage material?

This is a delicate subject because men typically don’t react well to these types of questions.

With this in mind, here are three questions you can ask your boyfriend to find out without him even knowing it if his marriage material.

1. You listen closely.

Before we get to the questions I have a question ask you. Have you been listening to what your boyfriend’s been saying? Does he have any plans for you to do things in the future? Have you met any of his family and friends?

The reason I ask this is that if none of these things have happened yet asking him a question to find out if he’s marriage material or not will be an act of frustration.

Any question you ask a man has to be based on what he’s already doing. If he is showing signs of future plans, this is already a sign that he is marriage material With no questions asked. But this is certainly not the end of it.
2. What do you require?
The most important question you ever have to ask is what do you require to be in a relationship with a man? The question to ask yourself before you ask him is what is it I want that I don’t have? And what is it I have that I don’t want? In this relationship.
The very reason you’re wondering what questions to ask your boyfriend to find out if his marriage material is that you never told him what it takes to be in a relationship with you.
There are three basic questions you can ask any man no matter how far along in a relationship you are or if it’s just beginning. They are foundational to any long-term relationship. And frankly, you may be surprised at the answers.
3. The 3 questions.
Hopefully, you’ve asked these questions at the beginning of your relationship, but if you’re like many of my coaching clients you haven’t.
The first question is proposed this way. “I know we’ve been together for quite a while but I made mistake and, this may seem obvious to you but, I never asked you, “do you want to be monogamous with me sexually and socially?“
Assuming his answer the first question was on point. The second question is “I really enjoy seeing each other however have you ever thought about how often you would enjoy seeing each other every week? What do you think is ideal for you?
Please remember we’re gathering information and if you don’t like the answers to the first two questions there’s no need to ask the third one.
But assuming you like where this is going. Here’s a third question and this is by far the most important question that I share with all my clients and I strongly insist that they require before they are ever starting a relationship.

But for the sake of this situation, here it is “I really enjoy being in our relationship however I made a mistake. I never asked you do you want to be in a long-term relationship and if things go well the possibility of marriage and children?”

Many of my clients balk at this particular question. It is the hardest one to ask, I know. However, if you do not ask it we will never know if a guy is wasting your time and it won’t be his fault! Because you never required a plan.

If you take nothing else away from this please before you spend any more time with a guy find out, does the guy you’re with want to build with you? Can he see a future aiming towards marriage and children? Is that what he wants? Share your vision and ask him what he thinks?
Once he starts talking listen closely. Avoid the temptation to argue with him or explain anything. To any statement he makes I want you to respond with “I understand.”

He may say things that are uncomfortable or painful for you to hear. However, if you can sit back and listen and stay firm on what you require for him to be in a relationship with you often times if you do not argue with him you will get it.

There are no guarantees but it has been my experience with my clients that it works. The reason is he doesn’t want to lose you but if there’s no risk of losing you there’s no reason for him to marry you or have a long-term plan.

What this in mind remember, 1. Listen 2. Be clear about what you require. 3. Ask him the three questions regarding monogamy, continuity, and longevity listed above.
Self-love is the ability to ask for what you want in a respectful way. Men are awakened and inspired by what you require, and the self-esteem you possess to believe you deserve it.
James Allen Hanrahan is a highly sought after relationship coach for strong women based in Los Angeles who offers a free Chemistry to Commitment formula for lasting love. If you’re a smart woman struggling to achieve relationship success, and tired of dating the wrong guys, connect with him via his complimentary call calendar link to make finding time easy.
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21
Jan, 2019

By James Hanrahan

3Things Your Guy Is DYING To Hear (But Might Not Know How To Ask For)

We all know that men don’t like to talk much. There may be words he is dying to hear from you but he won’t mention it. However, when he hears them they are magical.

We all want to hear kinds words And know that the people we love care about us. As a woman, you will want to know what men like to hear. It will create a special bond for your relationship.

With this in mind, Here are 3 words every man likes to hear. These words have an inspirational effect on a man. They inspire him to be a better man and want to have a relationship with you.

1. I respect you.

Perhaps no other word is more important to a man than the word respect. When you tell a man you respect him you are letting him know that you accept him as he is.

By letting him know that you respect the way he treats his family and friends. That his career and productivity in the world are things you admire, he will feel respected.
When you tell a man you respect him you inspire him to see you as an important part of his life. When you respect him, he will want to build with you. Make no mistake about it, respect is definitely a word he’s dying to hear.

2. I appreciate you.

If there’s a close second in the word categories appreciate is a strong contender. When you tell a man that you appreciate him you have struck a chord in his soul.

As simple as this may sound a man derives a large portion of his self-worth by knowing that he can make you happy. Telling a man that you appreciate him is confirmation that what he’s doing is having an affect.

You might say that appreciation to a man is what affection is to a woman. It is a way in which he feels loved. Once you trigger a man that he is appreciated he will want to spend more time with you.

3. I accept you.

In a man’s world acceptance is the key word in his life. He wants to know you accept him the way he is now. It might not be something you outright say it is more something you do.

Acceptance is expressed when you to resist the urge to change him or criticize him. Men are well aware of their faults and when they find that it’s easy to be with you and that you’re willing to work with them. A man will feel accepted.

We all want to know that it’s okay to make mistakes and not be perfect. This is the gift of acceptance you can give to a man.
The keywords a man likes to hear are, I respect you, I appreciate you, and I accept you.
Tell the man you’re with I respect what you think and what you do. Ask him questions and for his advice. The most powerful phrase you can say to a man is “What do you think?”
I appreciate you will inspire him to no end. Once he gets a taste for making you happy he’ll be hooked. Men never get tired of hearing how much you appreciated something he did.
We all want to be accepted. This is something a man will feel from you. It is a byproduct of feeling respected and appreciated. But, make no mistake about it a man wants to be accepted because acceptance for anyone is the foundation of lasting love.
James Allen Hanrahan is a highly sought after relationship coach for strong women based in Los Angeles who offers a free Chemistry to Commitment formula for lasting love. If you’re a smart woman struggling to achieve relationship success, and tired of dating the wrong guys, connect with him via his complimentary call calendar link to make finding time easy.
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01
Apr, 2018

By James Hanrahan

3 Agreements To Make Before You Have Sex

I’ve got new rules, I count them.
When you meet a guy you have chemistry with it’s magical. Finally, after dating guys, you don’t like you meet someone you do.
You don’t want to talk about it because it feels so good. However, you’ve been down this road a few times and you know that having a hot night doesn’t require a conversation, your body will take care of that, but having a relationship does.
With that in mind here are three agreements to make before you decide when to have sex if you’re interested in a long-term relationship.

1. Exclusivity 

For a one-night stand exclusivity doesn’t need to be worked out it’s a one night stand. If you want a long-term relationship the first agreement you want to consider making is do you want to be exclusive? And what does that look like?
There are two parts to this question. One is, do you want to be sexually exclusive, meaning you only have sex with each other. And second, do you want to be socially exclusive meaning you portray yourself as someone in a relationship not as someone who is still single on dating apps etc.
You may think this is obvious however if you’ve ever slept with a guy and then went online and saw him still on an app you know what I’m talking about.
2. Continuity.
Continuity is about how often you’re going to see each other. If you’re having a one night stand than agreeing that you just want to see each other for one night is continuity.
If you’re looking for something more than agreeing to see each other regularly will give you a foundation to do that.

Continuity usually plays out over time, however, seeing if someone wants to have it with you is important.

Relationships are built over time and shared experiences. Continuity is the key for that to happen.
3. Longevity.
If there’s one agreement that’s missing when a new coaching client calls me it’s longevity.
Their exclusive, they see each other regularly but they have no idea what each other’s long-term plan is.
This is especially dangerous with men. Men live by a simple code when it comes to sex; the less said the better. Unfortunately, this code is not in your best interest or his if you want long-term relationship.
Longevity simply means you’re establishing if you want to build something together and what your long-term relationship goals are. I.e. are you aiming towards marriage and children or just having a lifetime partner? Or are you at a point in life where you’re exploring meeting different people? The point is to find out and agree that you’re both on the same page.
Now for the important questions. When do you have this conversation? And when do you make these agreements?
There are two steps to this answer. Obviously, if you’re following along you want to have it before you have sex however, there is one step that comes before it. That step is you want to get to know him better.
For example; he asks you for sex, let’s be real he doesn’t ask you, he just makes a move on you and hopes it works out. At which point you say “I really like you and I’m attracted to you. You’re funny, smart and sexy etc, however, I don’t feel comfortable having intercourse until I get to know you better. What do you think?”
If he agrees to get to know you better it gives you time to establish a courtship where you can find out if you like him based on his actions. Does he want to see you regularly? Does he ask you to be his girlfriend and be exclusive? In your conversations does he start to make long-term plans with you and invite you to meet his family and friends?
If over time you feel comfortable and you’re ready to have intercourse with him. The next time he makes a move on you which he will. Say “I really appreciate you taking the time to get to know me. I feel really comfortable with you, you’re smart, sexy and funny etc. However, before we have sex I want to ask you. Do you want to be monogamous with me sexually and socially? Do you want to see me regularly? Do you see me as someone you want to have a long-term relationship with aiming towards the possibility of marriage and children? Or as a life partner?”
You may be worried about killing the moment and spontaneity. To which I say to you people who know how to love have the ability to make and keep agreements. A relationship is a series of kept agreements. Once you establish these three agreements you’re on the way to building a life together with all the spontaneity and moments you could ever ask for. Consider it.
The 3 agreements are; exclusivity, continuity, and longevity. Ask for them and watch your relationship come to life in a way that will surprise you. There’s magic in what you ask for. It’s how a man falls in love with you.
James Allen Hanrahan is a highly sought after relationship coach for STRONG women based in Los Angeles. Get his FREE Chemistry to Commitment formula for lasting love. If you’re a smart woman struggling to achieve relationship success, check out the treasure trove of men’s secrets to fall in love in A Life of Love.
 
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17
Aug, 2017

By James Hanrahan

3 Ways How Men Bond With Women For the Long Run

Here are the ingredients of a man in it for the long-run.

When you meet a guy who’s attracted to you, it’s great. But, as you know from experience this is not enough.

After you’ve seen a few guys come and go it becomes important to know how men bond with women.

With that in mind, here are 3 ways a guy will bond with you if you have them in this order.

1. He starts out slow.

A guy who can be in a relationship for the long run starts out slow. I call it starting at level 5. He takes his time getting to know you because he knows it takes more than just chemistry to be in a relationship.

Guys who start at level 10 are all about chemistry. They start out strong and want to be with you all the time. The challenge is they can’t keep up the pace and quickly lose interest because they’re not building anything with you.

A guy who starts at level 5 has room to grow and bond with you. It takes time and shared experiences to bond with a guy. A guy who can be with you for the long run starts out slow. He wants to know you.

2. He builds momentum.

Men bond as they build momentum with you. It shows as he starts to see you more and make you a part of his life.

It’s not enough that he starts slow there has to be a feeling that he is building momentum with you.

If you find yourself getting into a pattern of just seeing him once a week for a date over a long period of time, then he doesn’t have momentum with you.

A guy with momentum starts making plans ahead and ask you how you feel about them. He’s not just living week to week with you.

A good question to ask yourself is “do you feel you have momentum with him?”

3. He has an eye for the finish line.

The final piece of the puzzle is men bond when they commit to you.

This happens when he asks you to stop dating other people and be exclusive with him.

When he starts talking about and making long-range plans with you.

When he’s introducing you to family and friends and you’re becoming a part of his life. And finally of course when he asks you to marry him.

You will notice that he wants to take more and more responsibility for you. This means he includes you in his decisions in life and asks you how you feel about them. In other words, he wants to build a life with you.

Men bond when they start out slow and get to know you as a human being. Time and shared experiences are the way a man opens his heart.

Momentum is key for a man. A man who’s building with you is bonding with you.

A man who can see the finish line and shares his vision with you is a man you can be with for the long run.

James Allen Hanrahan is a highly sought after dating and relationship coach for STRONG women based in Los Angeles. Get his FREE Chemistry to Commitment formula for lasting love. If you’re a smart woman struggling to achieve relationship success, check out the treasure trove of men’s secrets to fall in love in A Life of Love.

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13
Apr, 2017

By James Hanrahan

What Guys Are REALLY Looking For In A Relationship

When you first meet a guy you like, you have questions. You want to know if he’s serious about having a relationship? Does he want to have children? What his long-term plans are?

While these are important questions they are not the first questions on the man’s mind.

Before he’s ready to answer your questions. There are three questions he’s asking himself; you’re not even aware of.

Here are the three things a guy is looking for in a relationship.

1. Banter. For a man, a relationship begins with the ability to talk in a playful, non-logical way.

It’s often a running joke that gets you started speaking to each other in the first place.

Banter is a creative way to discover you. Men love a mysterious woman who slowly unfolds. He wants to court you.

2. Fun. Simply put, it has to be fun to be with you. You may think this is overly simplistic when looking for a relationship.

For man to take on the responsibility of marriage and children. He has to know it’s fun to be with you along the way.

Men are practical romantics. Banter and fun lead them into a serious relationship, with this last final thing.

3. A better man. Men marry virtue. They marry a woman who makes them a better man.

This happens when you allow a man to court you and win you over.

When he finds himself doing things he wouldn’t ordinarily do for the sake of the team. You have awakened his desire to be a better man.

Men fall in love when they give. Courtship is when a man discovers he’s in love with you.

A guy is looking for a playful, non-logical banter that creates a new world for the two of you.

When you’re having fun, you can get you through anything. Laughter is a good sign it’s fun to be with you.

When a man finds himself inspired to be a better man, because you let him court you. All your relationship questions will be answered with a resounding… “yes, I do.”

James Allen Hanrahan is a highly sought after dating and relationship coach for STRONG women based in Los Angeles. Get his FREE Chemistry to Commitment formula for lasting love. If you’re a smart woman struggling to achieve relationship success, check out the treasure trove of men’s secrets in A Life of Love.

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11
Feb, 2017

By James Hanrahan

3 Clues Of Marriage Minded Men You Can’t Miss

Sometimes it can seem like finding a marriage minded man is impossible.

Finding a guy who can string together a second date is hard enough.

However success leaves clues. I want to share with you three clues to a man who’s ready for commitment.

1. He’s smitten. He can’t just like you he has to be downright smitten. Men who are smitten will go to extraordinary lengths to be with you.

You may be surprised at how enthusiastic he is. You might even think he’s over the top. However make no mistake, he has to be crazy about you.

1. He’s about 10 years older. I know, but hear me out. This isn’t a hard and fast rule however I’ve seen it work; time and time again. Men your own age tend to be competitive with you.

They’re also often looking for someone to play with, not someone to build with.

Older men tend to be more focused on what they can give to you. They value you as a woman. They want to build with you, because they know it makes life better.

3. He has a plan. A man with a plan is able to create a future. He knows he wants you and he does what it takes to make it happen.

He will tell you what he thinks, and asks you how you feel about it.

Please note: A man has to have a plan for himself before he can have a plan for you. Once he does, he’s ready to share life with you.

The three clues are: he has to be smitten. This is nonnegotiable. The more smitten the better.

Ten years older is a good rule of thumb, however it’s not a hard and fast rule. Try it, you might like it.

He has to have a plan for himself that includes you. A man with a plan is a man you can build with.

James Allen Hanrahan is a highly sought after dating and relationship coach for STRONG women based in Los Angeles. Get his FREE Chemistry to Commitment formula for lasting love. If you’re a smart woman struggling to achieve relationship success, check out the treasure trove of information in Dating Advice for Alpha Women.

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11
Jan, 2017

By James Hanrahan

How To Recognize A MAN Who’s A Keeper

If you’ve ever wondered what makes a man a keeper they’re easy to recognize.

There’s a distinct difference from a man who is going somewhere and a man who isn’t.

I want to take the mystery out of it for you, with these three ways to tell when he’s a keeper.

1. He’s got momentum. For a man to make it in the long run he has to have momentum. If he stalls out anywhere along the way you’re about to go nowhere.

This means from the moment he meet you his plans intensify. He wants to see you more, he wants to introduce you to his friends and family, he makes long-range plans with you.

Momentum is super important for a man and it can literally by itself tell you, if he has it, he’s a keeper.

2. He wants to do things for you. When a man is in love with you he wants to give you things and do things for you. You don’t have to ask because he’s way ahead of you.

He’s literally looking for things to do for you. He checks your car to see if you have enough gas. He takes heavy things out of your hands and carries them. He keeps an eye on you to make sure you’re comfortable.

3. He makes and keeps agreements. This is what separates the men from the boys. Real men have no problem making commitments to you and keeping them.

A relationship is a series of kept agreements. You can consider a man a keeper when he does what he says he’s going to do consistently.

A man who can have a long-term relationship with you has momentum.

He wants to do things for you. He makes and keeps agreements and he looks forward to making them with you.

James Allen Hanrahan is a highly sought after dating and relationship coach for SMART women based in Los Angeles. Get his FREE Chemistry to Commitment formula for lasting love. If you’re an smart woman struggling to achieve relationship success, check out the treasure trove of information in A Life of Love.

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The 3 Walls of Intimacy In Modern Relationships
3 Things Men Want In A Lasting Relationship
3 Questions To Ask Your Boyfriend To Find Out If He’s Marriage Material
3Things Your Guy Is DYING To Hear (But Might Not Know How To Ask For)
3 Agreements To Make Before You Have Sex
3 Ways How Men Bond With Women For the Long Run
What Guys Are REALLY Looking For In A Relationship
3 Clues Of Marriage Minded Men You Can’t Miss
How To Recognize A MAN Who’s A Keeper