understanding men you date Archives

Dec, 2020

The Real Reason Why Men Aren’t Falling In Love Anymore

When is the last time you received a love letter from a guy? The problem is many men are not falling in love anymore.

Will, they hit you up? Absolutely. Will they stay with you? Well, that’s becoming a problem.

With that in mind, here is the real reason why men aren’t falling in love and what to do about it. This knowledge will be a game-changer for your love life.

1. Sex

Contrary to what some may believe, men do not usually fall in love when they have sex. It does not by itself create intimacy, rather it exposes whether you have it or not.

Sex revolves around initial chemistry which can go as fast as a comes. The illusion of closeness that sex can give you can mask the fact that on a deeper level you really don’t know each other.

Friendship is often best built before sex enters a relationship. In order for a man to fall in love with you, it’s helpful for him to get to know you as a human being first.

2. Time

Time gives you the opportunity to evaluate and gain insight into the man you’re dating. The journey of falling in love takes time.

Relationships are an investment of time and energy. When a man invests the time to get to know you as a human being he begins to demonstrate his character.

Men are often way ahead of themselves. They will ask you to go on trips, to have sex, and to become their girlfriend way before they’re ready.

Slowing a man down is one of the best ways to give him the opportunity to fall in love with you. Encourage his enthusiasm, but slow down his speed.

3. Friendship

We are often lead to believe that friendship and love are two entirely different things. But are they? Can a man truly love you if he has not befriended you?

Friendship demonstrates the character of the man you’re with. Does he make and keep his agreements? Does he demonstrate integrity in all aspects of his life? Does he treat you with concern, and care about your feelings?

When we underestimate the importance of falling in love with someone who demonstrates friendship we’re often shocked when they leave abruptly.

It’s usually not a lack of chemistry that ends a poorly conceived relationship, it’s a lack of friendship. Character is the lasting quality to look for, it’s demonstrated in a friendship and in a lover.

Sex in itself will not give you intimacy. In fact, people often avoid intimacy by having sex.

Time is what gives a man a runway to fall in love with you. When you understand this, it will change the trajectory of your love life.

Friendship is one of the biggest clues you’re falling in love with the right person. If you’re continually doubting the character and trustworthiness of a man you’re with, you’re usually with the wrong man.

Men fall in love when you require them to take the time to get to know you and building a friendship with you. Friendship is foundational to your well-being and it’s the real reason that without it, men are not falling in love anymore.

James Allen Hanrahan is a highly sought after relationship coach for strong women based in Los Angeles who offers a free Chemistry to Commitment formula for lasting love. If you’re a smart woman struggling to achieve relationship success, and tired of dating the wrong guys, connect with him via his calendar link to make finding time easy.

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Dec, 2020

By James Hanrahan

3 Ways Men See Relationship Questions Differently

When you meet a guy, you can tell almost instantly that he’s thinking differently than you. As a dating and relationship coach for women and men, you can only imagine how different the relationship questions are.

Understanding men is an art which few women take the time to do; understanding women… Well for men, that’s almost impossible .but it’s well worth the effort

With that in mind, here are the three top “relationship questions” men and women ask me daily, that are keeping them mystified by each other unnecessarily.

1. Will it last?

A perennial favorite for women and a sheer terror for men. The difference is, women are painfully aware of the possibility of wasting their time.

Men on the other hand, often woefully overestimate their ability to make a relationship last, focusing on the moment, and many times defaulting to a “we’ll see how it goes” mentality.

Every relationship needs a plan and a purpose. With a goal in mind, it becomes possible to enjoy the moment together.

2. What’s next?

In fairness to men, and perhaps not to women, not a day goes by that a female client doesn’t say to me subconsciously, “that was great and I’m glad he did it, but what’s next?”

I am consistently encouraging my female clients to “savor the moment” along the way.” This is in direct contrast to my male clients who often, all they do is savor the moment.

Men are often more methodical and take a step-by-step approach going from A-to-B. Meaning if A works out I’ll go to B.

Women often go from A-to-Z Skipping crucial steps that men need to demonstrate along the way. If a man hasn’t demonstrated he can keep simple agreements; like calling when he says he’s going to. How will he be able to keep more complex agreements?

3. Is it serious?

This question is perhaps the one with the sharpest contrast of all. For men the first question is; is it fun to be with her? And for a man, this is a serious question.

Without this first component, it is impossible for them to consider being serious about the relationship.
This may seem like a frivolous question, but is it? If you don’t enjoy being with someone what is the point?

Men and women balance each other out in a relationship, in a way only they can, to help each other grow.

For women, “will it last?” Is a fair relationship question to ask yourself first, to make sure the man you’re considering is qualified for your relationship goal.

“What’s next?” May take you out of the moment, and rob you of the opportunity to get close to your man in the present.

Ironically, men are often more serious than they appear. Their step-by-step approach often gives you time to evaluate, consider, and reflect on what will be the biggest decision of your life.

Although men may often see relationship questions differently, it doesn’t mean that they don’t hear you and take them to heart.

James Allen Hanrahan is a highly sought after relationship coach for strong women and men based in Los Angeles. If you’re a smart woman struggling to achieve relationship success and tired of dating the wrong guys, connect with him via his calendar link here to make finding time to speak with him easy.

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Jan, 2019

By James Hanrahan

3Things Your Guy Is DYING To Hear (But Might Not Know How To Ask For)

We all know that men don’t like to talk much. There may be words he is dying to hear from you but he won’t mention it. However, when he hears them they are magical.

We all want to hear kinds words And know that the people we love care about us. As a woman, you will want to know what men like to hear. It will create a special bond for your relationship.

With this in mind, Here are 3 words every man likes to hear. These words have an inspirational effect on a man. They inspire him to be a better man and want to have a relationship with you.

1. I respect you.

Perhaps no other word is more important to a man than the word respect. When you tell a man you respect him you are letting him know that you accept him as he is.

By letting him know that you respect the way he treats his family and friends. That his career and productivity in the world are things you admire, he will feel respected.

When you tell a man you respect him you inspire him to see you as an important part of his life. When you respect him, he will want to build with you. Make no mistake about it, respect is definitely a word he’s dying to hear.

2. I appreciate you.

If there’s a close second in the word categories appreciate is a strong contender. When you tell a man that you appreciate him you have struck a chord in his soul.

As simple as this may sound a man derives a large portion of his self-worth by knowing that he can make you happy. Telling a man that you appreciate him is confirmation that what he’s doing is having an affect.

You might say that appreciation to a man is what affection is to a woman. It is a way in which he feels loved. Once you trigger a man that he is appreciated he will want to spend more time with you.

3. I accept you.

In a man’s world acceptance is the key word in his life. He wants to know you accept him the way he is now. It might not be something you outright say it is more something you do.

Acceptance is expressed when you to resist the urge to change him or criticize him. Men are well aware of their faults and when they find that it’s easy to be with you and that you’re willing to work with them. A man will feel accepted.

We all want to know that it’s okay to make mistakes and not be perfect. This is the gift of acceptance you can give to a man.

The keywords a man likes to hear are, I respect you, I appreciate you, and I accept you.

Tell the man you’re with I respect what you think and what you do. Ask him questions and for his advice. The most powerful phrase you can say to a man is “What do you think?”

I appreciate you will inspire him to no end. Once he gets a taste for making you happy he’ll be hooked. Men never get tired of hearing how much you appreciated something he did.

We all want to be accepted. This is something a man will feel from you. It is a byproduct of feeling respected and appreciated. But, make no mistake about it a man wants to be accepted because acceptance for anyone is the foundation of lasting love.

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Jan, 2019

By James Hanrahan

3 Things Men Want More Than Sex

You might think men want nothing more than sex. While, it is certainly often in their minds, there are three things that are more valuable to men than sex.

In order for a man to fall in love with you, he will unknowingly even to him be looking for these 3 things.

With that in mind, here are the 3 things men want more than sex. I hope these will inspire you to understand the men you date and what men really want when they fall in love with you.

1. Acceptance.

Men want acceptance for who they are right now. Not, who they are going to be in 5 or 10 years but for who they are in this moment.

We all want acceptance but, for men, it is the cornerstone of any long-term relationship.

A man knows that if you do not like his job, his friends, the way he spends his free time, etc. that in the long run, he will have no chance with you.

There’s a long-standing joke that when a man sees his woman as she’s walking down the aisle, he says she looks amazing I hope she never changes.

When a woman sees her man walking down the aisle, she says to herself, I can change him.

There’s a lot of truth in this joke. Men don’t change. If you can accept that, you’re on your way to really have a great man for the rest of your life. Because you already truly like him the way he is.

2. Appreciation.

Most good men follow a very simple equation. When you appreciate what they already do, they will do more.

Men fall in love when they give. They are literally looking for ways to give to you. However, if they get the impression that you don’t appreciate it, or they can’t make you happy, they will give up.

Appreciating what he already does may be very hard for you to do. Because, frankly, some men don’t do much. However, if you can simply start by appreciating the little things they already do, I assure you they will do more, and thank you for it!

3. Admiration.

Now, you may be saying, you’ve gone too far, admiration? Yes, admiration.

Admiration, in this context simply means you admire some aspect of him. Perhaps, it’s his sense of humor, or his work ethic, or the way he treats his family and friends. The key here is to find some aspect that you do admire about him and tell him.

Admiration for a man goes hand-in-hand with respect. Men know that a woman most often can only fall in love with a man she respects.

If you’re with a man that for any reason you don’t respect, please let him go. You only be hurting yourself and him in the long run.

However if you do respect him, the greatest gift you can give a man is to tell him, I respect you.
Respect, inspires a man to be a better man.

You have all the cards to be with the man you want.
The 3 keys to remember are acceptance, appreciation, and admiration.

When you accept a man the way he is right now. You are building a strong foundation for a long-term relationship.

When you appreciate what he’s already doing. when he gets the sense that he can make you happy. He will feel that he can win with you and it will inspire him to no end.

When you admire and respect a man, you give him the confidence to be his best self. Men choose a woman for the long-term by the way he feels when he’s with you.

It’s a simple equation to understanding what good men want. Acceptance, appreciation, and admiration. When you give them to a man, he will fall deeply in love with you.

James Allen Hanrahan is a highly sought after relationship coach for STRONG women based in Los Angeles. Get his FREE Chemistry to Commitment formula for lasting love. If you’re a smart woman struggling to achieve relationship success, I’d love to connect. Here’s my calendar link to make finding time easy.

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Apr, 2017

By James Hanrahan

What Guys Are REALLY Looking For In A Relationship

When you first meet a guy you like, you have questions. You want to know if he’s serious about having a relationship? Does he want to have children? What his long-term plans are?

While these are important questions they are not the first questions on the man’s mind.

Before he’s ready to answer your questions. There are three questions he’s asking himself; you’re not even aware of.

Here are the three things a guy is looking for in a relationship.

1. Banter. For a man, a relationship begins with the ability to talk in a playful, non-logical way.

It’s often a running joke that gets you started speaking to each other in the first place.

Banter is a creative way to discover you. Men love a mysterious woman who slowly unfolds. He wants to court you.

2. Fun. Simply put, it has to be fun to be with you. You may think this is overly simplistic when looking for a relationship.

For man to take on the responsibility of marriage and children. He has to know it’s fun to be with you along the way.

Men are practical romantics. Banter and fun lead them into a serious relationship, with this last final thing.

3. A better man. Men marry virtue. They marry a woman who makes them a better man.

This happens when you allow a man to court you and win you over.

When he finds himself doing things he wouldn’t ordinarily do for the sake of the team. You have awakened his desire to be a better man.

Men fall in love when they give. Courtship is when a man discovers he’s in love with you.

A guy is looking for a playful, non-logical banter that creates a new world for the two of you.

When you’re having fun, you can get you through anything. Laughter is a good sign it’s fun to be with you.

When a man finds himself inspired to be a better man, because you let him court you. All your relationship questions will be answered with a resounding… “yes, I do.”

James Allen Hanrahan is a highly sought after dating and relationship coach for STRONG women based in Los Angeles. Get his FREE Chemistry to Commitment formula for lasting love. If you’re a smart woman struggling to achieve relationship success, check out the treasure trove of men’s secrets in A Life of Love.

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Mar, 2017

By James Hanrahan

How To Build ATTRACTION That Lasts Forever

When you meet a guy, either you have chemistry or you don’t.

No matter how good a guy is on paper, if your body doesn’t like him, you’ve got no chance.

However, attraction is something you can build. There are three keys to creating attraction you want to know, if you want a relationship that lasts.

1. Anticipation. Building attraction requires anticipation. This means if you want to have a long-term relationship you need to start thinking long-term.

The way to do this is to remember that anticipation outranks consummation.

In other words, the longer you wait before you have sex, the more attraction you’ll build.

Sex doesn’t build attraction, anticipation does.

2. Have a fight. I’m not saying go out of your way to have a fight. I’m saying you don’t really know someone until you do.

Attraction is increased when you’re able to stay with people, even on the days when you don’t like them.

Having a fight is not what builds attraction. It’s the ability to get through it, that makes your attraction stronger.

3. Make a commitment. When you’re sitting on the fence, not much happens in any aspect of your life. When you commit to another human being you awaken attraction you might not even know you had.

Attraction is built when you can count on someone to do what they say they’re going to do.

A relationship is a conversation that doesn’t end, and a series of kept agreements. This is the practical definition of lasting love.

If you want to build attraction that lasts you’ll need anticipation. Fighting is not the end of a relationship, it’s a sign you’re beginning to care.

A commitment takes your chemistry to another level. A level where you can build your attraction into a love that lasts forever.

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Mar, 2017

By James Hanrahan

The REAL Truth About Why You Get Mixed Messages From Men

Men who don’t know what they want constantly send out mixed messages.

They like you, but not enough to really be with you. In other words they’re wasting your time.

The most common and most crazy making example is when a man agrees to do something and then doesn’t do it. It’s called being passive aggressive.

It isn’t uncommon for all of us to at one time or another to not be clear about what we want.

However it’s rarely a good sign when you’re with a man, it usually means a train wreck is about to come.

When you get in to a position of trying to figure out the mixed message of a man you’re in danger of hurting yourself.

Usually figuring men out means you have a narcissist on your hands.These men are interesting because they know what they want they just don’t care what you want.

Some of the best decisions you’ll ever make in relationships are the one you walk away from.

These are hard decisions because your heart is pulling on you. However,the body doesn’t lie.

Mixed messages are clear signals coming from your body that you’re overlooking things that don’t feel good.

Real relationships with real men are not mysteries or dramas. They’re between two people who can make and keep agreements.

The best way to clear up mixed messages is to ask. Ask the questions you think you shouldn’t ask and the ones close to your heart.

Intimacy builds from the tough moments not the easy ones. Remember that men who can make and keep agreements and are willing to negotiate with you will last. Those who don’t won’t.

Before you waste anymore time on men with mixed messages. Start by asking for what you want and saying no to what you don’t want.

A man who loves you will want to know.

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Dec, 2016

By James Hanrahan

Does Your Father Hold The Keys To Your Dating Life

Is he just like your father?

If you want to understand your dating life there’s only one question you need to ask yourself. What was your dad like?

Did he care about how you feel or did he ask you what you think? If he walked in the door would he ask you how did you feel today or how did you do today?

After you’ve answered these questions look at your life. Ask yourself, am I a career woman focusing on doing good in the world, have I lost touch with my feelings?

Then look at the men you’re dating, do they care about how you feel? Are you making all the plans in the relationship, or are they?

If your dad raised you to do good to feel good. You will attract men who want to feel good. These are attractive and non-committal guys that catch your eyes. There called Peter Pans.

To find out more about this, you can read A Life Of Love.

Peter Pans are charming, funny and great in bed. There just not much on working and having a steady job. They’ve got big plans and great ideas they’re just not much on doing the footwork.

They do get you out of your head and make you feel sensual for a few moments. However at the same time they keep you in your head because you’re the one who needs to make plans. You’re the one that needs to get things done.

If the men you’re dating remind you of your father, a man who wasn’t there for you and or didn’t care how you feel. You may be re-creating the same pattern with the men you’re dating.

The first step to change this pattern is awareness. The second is acceptance. And the third is to take contrary action.

Talk to men who care about how you feel. Men who make plans and want to build something with you. These will be men who sound good to your ears not just look good to your eyes.

Take a breath, let your hair down. Put your feet in the sand. Feel good to do good and let your body lead the way.
The body doesn’t lie. When you’re dating ask yourself one simple question. Does being with this guy feel good or not feel good?

James Allen Hanrahan is a dating relationship coach in Los Angeles. Get his FREE Chemistry to Commitment formula for lasting love.

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