James Allen HanrahanJames Allen Hanrahan

by James Hanrahan

If the walls are up, maybe it’s time to take them down.
Perhaps, you’re finding it’s becoming harder and harder to get into and maintain a relationship. You might even be saying to yourself “why even bother.”
With ghosting, texting, and swiping to name a few, there seems to be endless walls and obstacles to meeting someone for a relationship and to create intimacy.
Before you start to cash in your chips and give up hope. Let’s consider three walls to intimacy, and how to overcome them for lasting-love.

1. The Wall of Chemistry

One of the biggest challenges with chemistry, is you don’t know you have it until you meet someone in person.
No matter how hard you swipe or text, relationships and chemistry are built primarily in person.
You’re going to need to get within roughly 30 inches of someone to pick up their pheromones.
Then your body will decide if they are a match for you. We all know what a game of duck, duck, goose this is. However, from an evolutionarily perspective it works.
Life is too short to live without chemistry. If you want to overcome this wall, you’re going to have to go out and meet people in person, and let chemistry do its job.

2. The Wall of Compatibility

If you’re fortunate enough to meet someone you have chemistry with, obviously the challenge is not over yet.
Now we have to see if you’re compatible. Compatibility at the simplest level means you like each other.
Chemistry means your bodies like each other, compatibility means you like each other on a fundamental, foundation of friendship as human beings.
Some of the basics will be, but are not exclusive to, you have similar interests and hobbies, you live relatively close by to each other, you have similar levels of time to commit to relationships.
I encourage you not to underestimate the importance of proximity. Can you have long distance relationships?
Of course, if you both agree to it. But, remember even so, relationships are built primarily in person.

3. The Wall of Communication

One of the foundations of communication is the ability to negotiate.
Perhaps the biggest wall we are currently facing is the challenge to find people who are willing to make and keep agreements with the goal to become a team.
Start by striking up a conversation. Two of our most basic and underestimated human needs are to be heard and to be known.
Once the ball gets rolling, the next hurdle will be, being able to ask for what you want, and saying no to what you don’t want.
This is where you find out if you’re with somebody who wants to negotiate and build intimacy with you, or just wants to play with you.
There’s no judgment, it’s just finding out if you’re both looking for the same thing.
With that in mind…
Chemistry is great, it’s a gift. However for the goal of Intimacy, take your time and see if you can build a foundation of friendship.
Compatibility means your lives actually fit together, be careful not to try to fit a square peg into a round hole because of chemistry.
Communication Is what makes relationships breathe. Intimacy is experienced by people who are willing to negotiate for what they want, and for what they don’t want. They are able to make and keep agreements.
Avoid passive-aggressive people they make agreements, they just don’t keep them.
The walls to intimacy are many, but they’re worth climbing. Look for chemistry, compatibility, and communication. Make sure you have all three. Use them as the cornerstones for your future, love, relationship, and intimacy.
Learn more by reading these books, “A Life of Love” and “Dating Advice for Alpha Women” on Amazon or, by visiting my website at jamesallenhanrahan.com
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The 3 Walls of Intimacy In Modern Relationships